Room 504, Monday Morning

[intraspective]

A headache brought on by uncomfortable sleep—not nightmares, thank you very much, she didn’t have nightmares—meant that Ino was going to spend the morning with music on (cheerful bubbly pop), singing along while wondering idly if she ought to give Edward a call (it would be a distraction, he would terrify her in ways that had nothing to do with children’s eyes) and giving her plants an inspection that probably went a good bit beyond meticulous.

Reno would probably tell her that she ought to get her ass out of her room. She’d get there.

No, no studying this morning. Ino was pretty sure that it’d only make it harder to sleep when she crashed out later. After all—what was worse, dreams about what she’d done when the body she’d been in hadn’t known what was going on?

Or dreams where Kinjo still had thought, but just as little control, and she could imagine Kinjo's consciousness fluttering, struggling against her will like a broken butterfly? To Ino, it was no contest. Seriously no contest.

Forcing her mind away from that she sang along to the radio. Music. Plants. She could do this.

[Open door, open post.]

Comments

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Did you have to do something you regret?" Triela asked. As if that weren't slightly obvious.

[intraspective]

Ino tilted her head.

"I don't know if... regret's the right word?" she said finally. "I made a mistake, but it was one I dealt with and wound up making the mission objective stronger, but--it was still a mistake. And someone else had to pay for that."

She chewed her lower lip.

"So, I guess, I don't know--I mean, most people'd think that I ought to care 'bout the mission objective and what I did there more than a collateral but the mission objective was... I was prepared?" Or something.

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Nobody likes surprises," Triela muttered in agreement. She shook her head with a sympathetic grimace.

"If you know something's coming it's different. When it's a surprise." Well. Ino understood

[intraspective]

A smile flitted across her face.

"Exactly." She rolled her shoulders. "And I can't--talk 'bout it much, you know? 'Cause not only do I got to be careful 'bout confidentiality, but what I did..."

Well.

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

Triela had to think about that for a moment. None of the girls had problems with regret. The Conditioning made it easy to move on. But the handlers... Triela was observant enough to know they were bothered by some of the stuff they did.

"You don't know if you like what it says about you that you did it?" She hazarded.

[intraspective]

Ino leaned over and indicated a line across the floor with one finger.

"If this is say, a line of--morality, or something. I'm not sure what to call it, okay? Then this point here," she pressed one finger down on the far end of the line, "is where most people'd probably put what I did: in the seriously bad Do Not Want, Do Not Pass Go, You Fail At Being Human And Caring."

"Then, on the other side," her other hand reached out and pressed down on the other end of the line. "That's my world. It don't matter. I did good. I got the job done, end of story. Whatever do you mean the mission was a bad thing?"

Ino studied her line, her hands, and the two view points. "I'm probably," she said carefully, "right about--here."

As she lifted her hand from the ninja side of things and settled it down about a quarter of the line. Still more ninja than--human.

"That's the problem right now."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

Triela nodded. Her finger extended to the ninja side of the line. "I'm here. It's where the Agency wants me."

She paused and shrugged. "I'm not sure that being a better killer makes me a better person."

[intraspective]

"Not a better person," Ino said, eyes cool. "But it's--how to deal with--stuff. I can't and don't understand the way most people think 'bout it, and think I ought to think 'bout it, but I don't--I don't think I'm thinking entirely like a ninja either any more. So I'm a bit..."

Confused?

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Not sure what you think?" Triela suggested.

She sighed and shook her head. "At least I have the Conditioning. Once I explain it most people don't question how I feel about doing what I do." As if she wouldn't have made similar choices on her own.

[intraspective]

Ino waved one hand and made a face.

"Because you give them a happy little solution 'you can't do anything else' so they don't like it, but it's okay. I'd do it, even if I felt crappy after, just 'cause I was ordered to. And I'm going to keep following those orders, you know?"

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Yeah," Triela agreed quietly. "I know."

She shrugged. "I think you have to find the balance between the two. If this," she pointed at the line again, "is where you are, then that's okay." She waved at the place Ino said everyone else was. "Don't let these people get to you. But don't let these others," she waved at the ninja side, "do it either."

[intraspective]

Ino stared at the line, at the floor, and sighed.

"What if I need to pick one to 'work' right?"

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"You mean to do your job?" Triela pursed her lips. That was actually a tough one.

[intraspective]

"Mmmm," she said, frowning. "Yeah."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Changing jobs isn't really an option." Which wasn't a question. Or even a statement. Just... the way things were.

"Do you have to change? Can you do your job the way you are?"

[intraspective]

"I don't know yet," Ino admitted, leaning back and stretching. "But I've got to--do something."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Any ideas, then?" Triela asked. It wasn't like this was a problem she'd ever had to deal with herself.

[intraspective]

"Not yet," she admitted ruefully. "I've been more focused on 'get better at lying' and 'improve mental shields', 'cause I don't need people pokin' 'round in my head and findin' stuff like that."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Because they'd want to talk about it and criticize you?" Triela just wanted to make sure she was understanding where Ino was coming from. Because, again, Triela didn't have to deal with this sort of thing.

[intraspective]

She shrugged, not minding the questions.

"More 'cause people'd--probably care I don't care 'bout it as much as I 'should'."

Ino tugged at her hair. "Guess that makes me a bit of a baby, yeah? I don't want to be hated for my job."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

Triela actually smiled just a bit at that. "It makes you human," she countered. "Even I care what people think about me." Up to a point, anyway.

[intraspective]

Her smile was equally brief.

"Maybe I don't want to be like that, though, 'cause in a choice between my friends and my job--I don't know if that's even a choice."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Of course it's not. But why force yourself to choose if you don't have to?"

[intraspective]

"'Cause if I start talkin' to most of them 'bout it, I will have to," Ino replied. "So thinkin' about it is a good thing."

[sorella-vecchia.livejournal.com]

"Or you can talk about what they can handle..." Triela grinned slightly. "It's not like I tell everyone everything..."