intraspective | Room 504, Tuesday Morning

"No!"

And Liir actually raised his voice. He raised his voice and he moved to grab her notebook.

No.

"No," and he was beyond snapping. This-- this--

Not another one. No. No, I'm not losing her. I can't. I can't. She's the only one. She's the only one.

The only one I believe in.

NO.

"It's not fucking obvious, Ino," he told her. "And I'm not getting out. If you want me out, you'll have to kill me because I'm not leaving any other way."

He looked ridiculous, still half-bruised, shirtless, eyes wild. But there was no way in any hell, visited or not, that he was going to let anything just sit. Not with Ino. He'd tried to just let an argument settle out and he'd lost Andrew for his mistake.

He couldn't lose Ino.

"Leave me alone!"

She let him have the notebook, it wasn't the important one, not the one she'd fight for because having that much of her weaknesses read by anyone meant that she wouldn't be able to hide... no. It was just a notebook, with notes on her garden, and on her poisons for class.

It was expendable, if it had to be.

"Go talk to Michael! Go talk to Amber! Just leave me alone! You don't get it!"

He put it down when she let it go and closed his mouth. Go talk to Michael? Talk to Amber?

What the hell did that mean?

He glared at her.

And sat on the floor.

"I'll be here when you feel like explaining. Till then, I'm not going anywhere."

It meant everything, anything, all of it. He'd stayed there, made her breakfast, couldn't be bothered to call the little sister, couldn't be assed to talk to her when she'd glared at him in class yesterday...

Everything.

"You'll be waiting a while," she said, going for her desk and grabbing up her purple notebook, the important one, and hugging it close to her. "Because I shouldn't have to explain this."

"Why? When I'm upset, when I'm freaking out, when I'm angry, when I'm sad, when I'm crying, when I'm screaming, I have to explain to you. I have to explain because you need to know so you can help me fix it.

"So afford me the same chance.

"There are things about me you don't understand. How I see things. How I feel things. Why is it so hard to consider that I don't know how you see things, how you understand things? I'm trying, Ino. I'm thinking and I'm worried and I'm willing to do anything, anything just to make up whatever stupid thing I've done but you won't give me the first idea.

"And that's bullshit."

He stood up.

"I'm not leaving this, Ino. I don't care if I have to go without sleep, without water, miss class, miss work; I don't care.

"You're the only person I have, you're the only person I believe in in this or any world. The only one. And if you want nothing more to do with me, that's fine. I've had everything I ever cared about destroyed before."

He moved towards her.

"But I'm not going to let you go without knowing what I did wrong. Maybe Karal is right, but I won't."

"You're lying," she said, shaking her head, clinging to her notebook, the words small compared to the ringing in her ears though by the end of it she was nearly shouting. "You're lying, lying, lying!"

The window was open. He could guard either the door, or the window. Not both at once. She wasn't trapped.

But it felt like she was. Lying, lying, lying.

He listened and he stood and he didn't react.

"I'm not."

He swallowed around a bulge in his throat.

"I'm not, Ino. I swear. I don't have anything to swear on, but I swear. I swear on the broom, Ino. On the cloak. On the green under my skin and the diamonds I'll never wear. On the Grimmerie, on Kumbricia's nose, on Lurline's toes, Ino...

"If you hate me, go. If you can't stand me, go. But if you're upset because you think you don't matter to me--"

He breathed out and closed his eyes.

"I don't know how to prove it to you, Ino. Ask me to prove the sky is blue, that grass is green, that the sun is warm, that water is wet. It's the same."

"You're the only person I really, truly, completely believe in.

"It's the same."

"Lies," she insisted, eyes wide, but not really seeing, and her breathing was too fast. Not really hearing.

"You're lying, you've got to be." Nothing else made sense, nothing else clicked right, nothing else...

She wasn't anything, nothing special, nobody's number one. Fine. Fine. She could deal, she was tough, she could handle being no one important to anyone but herself. Always the left behind, the last one thought of, always...

But why wouldn't he stop lying?

He closed his eyes a moment, opening them with an orange in his hand.

"This isn't real," he told her.

Another time, an apple in the other.

"This isn't real," he told her.

He dropped them as he walked towards her, put his hand to her desk.

"This isn't real," he told her.

And pushed it aside. He picked up her notebook.

"This isn't real," he told her.

He waited until he was within a foot of her to speak and when he spoke, there was no lying. These were Words, as much as a Cat was a Cat and a Witch was a Witch and a Wizard was a Wizard. Words that could hold no disguise. Words that could not be anything but what they were.

He looked right at her, tried to meet her eyes.

"Why would I lie to the only real person in my whole world?"

Edited 2008-06-24 21:58 (UTC)

He might have met her eyes, but Ino wasn't home, not really.

She heard him, but not really.

Blue eyes wide, panic-stricken, and she was backing up not even aware of the fact that she was doing so.

Lying, lying, lying. Too good at lying.

Trapped, she was trapped. Couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't do anything but cling to the notebook in her arms and try not to hyperventilate. Trappedtrappedtrapped.

He closed his eyes.

And stepped back.

"I'll go. I'm trying to delay the inevitable.

"I'll go. It was only a matter of time till I was alone."

He was lying, see? Giving up, going away, leaving her behind again.

Lying, lying, lying.

You didn't give up if you really cared. Didn't stop, didn't do that.

Lying.

Ino shook her head rapidly, though whether from her thoughts or from his words she wouldn't be able to say but everything was wrong and...

Wrong.

The headshake caught his eye and he stopped.

"You... don't want me to go?"

He breathed out.

"Ino, tell me what you want. Do you want me to live in my room, locked up, never risking myself, never talking to anyone else but you? If that's what you want, fine.

"I'll do it. But if you don't tell me, I don't know what to do."

How did you say what was wrong when the something that was wrong was wrong in and of itself?

Or was it? Was it wrong to want to be the number one for somebody? Anybody? To be allowed to come first?

...but she hadn't. That couldn't be changed. And, and, she couldn't say something like 'yes, only talk to me' because that wasn't fair or right and was so very wrong but there was a part of her that wanted it just for the security and...

It was wrong. No getting around that. Wrong, wrong, wrong. And she didn't even care with most the people he talked to. Just the one, because she'd had to come last, after that.

An afterthought.

Ino burst into tears.

Oh fuck it. If she killed him, at least he'd go out feeling useful.

She was his sister and he'd obviously done something terribly wrong and now she was crying and tears burned, so instead of trying reason anymore he just pulled her into his arms and hugged her close and hoped, prayed (he didn't even know who it might be) that she'd understand.

"Oh, Ino."

She put up no resistance to the hug, but nor did she respond to it.

Ino hated crying, hated the way it stuffed her head, the way that the tears felt on her skin, the way it always left her feeling exhausted and stupid and...

It was so weak. She didn't want to be weak, but the tears kept coming.

Liir, for his part, didn't move. He just held her and kissed her hair and was content to be there since he'd failed in such a simple task earlier.

Eventually her tears slowed, and she felt even worse than she'd started out as.

This, too, was a lie--right? Because she was right here, and there was nothing else he could do if he wanted to keep lying.

It wasn't fair. Always losing out.

She sniffled, one hand going up to swipe at her eyes.

He kissed her hair again.

But didn't do anything else.

She pulled away from him. "...you've got class soon, don't you?"

She just sounded tired now.

"It wouldn't matter if I did," he told her with a shrug.

Liar.

Ino shook her head slightly, letting her breath out with a sigh. "Whatever."

"I'll stay if you want. It's up to you. I'm not going to try and figure things out because I always get it wrong, so tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"Do what you like," she said, turning away from him. "Do what you want to do. I've got no say."

He just stared at her.

"One," he said slowly, "every time anyone ever says that, it means they have something they want you to do but they want to see what you do and they'll judge you on it.

"Or watch you fall on your ass.

"Two, how you can think you have no say... Ino, I don't even understand. I don't even understand how you can think--how? How, Ino?"

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